Reaper, episode 5 recap

We start with a flashback. (I heart flashbacks.)

Amberle and Lorin are young uns. Mini-Amberle has a vision when she touches the Ellcrys tree—proving the Ellcrys is NOT sexist and isn’t falling down and ending civilization in a few years just 'cause a girl took part in a race. #goodtoknow

Uncle party elf Ander and elf army leader lady Commander Tilton are busy gettin' BUSY in the forest. They discuss their future. Can anyone say Salvatore brothers? 

OTP.

The gnomes follow the Prince back into the palace and the opening credits give us time to prep ourselves for the subsequent slaughter…

Because hello, Amberle’s dad! OMG. We see him plant the idea in Mini-Amberle’s mind of participating in the race to become one of The Chosen before he's literally skewered.

Yep, this is a flashback to the icky death of Amberle’s dad at the at the hands of the gnome Slanter. Guess the United Nations didn't come up in gnome school. Cue sword-fighting scene and the awful death of Amberle's papa. 

Oh man.

Present day, Amberle and co. are riding through the forest, headed to meet an elf mentioned last ep at the fort. The latest cute elf guy addition, Soldier Boy Crispin, sadly turns out to be racist, and has no sympathy for rover girl Eretria. Wil tries to smooth the waters but Amberle is still mad he hooked up with Eretria, which is why the chick is tied to elf soldiers and dragged along on foot. #paybacksabiatch

In the demon realm, Creepy 1 and Creepy 2, aka the cosplay couple, aka the evil druid and his shapeshifter girlfriend, are scheming. Watch out royal elves, you're on her list...!

NOBODY NEEDS TO SEE THIS.

Amberle and crew stop in the forest for a water break. Crispin's gone full douche. Here’s hoping girl power kicks in and everyone remembers who's in charge. (Tip: Amberle). 

The rover's ambush the elven pack, popping out of the ground like a scene from Kevin Costner's Robin Hood movie years ago. WOW, our heroes reall-y can't fight. Eretria's loser dad Cephelo looks smarmy, and I can't help sighing: mmannnnnn not more rover storylines. 

Elsewhere Prince Not-So-Nice, the other brother Arion, checks out a gruesome demon-slaughtered village. The two princes and the king argue. Not-So-Nice wants to fight demons, and says the king is scared. He might be a dick, but I think he's on point. (Likin' this subplot btw.)

Next up – my fave ship! Amberle’s bestie Catania gets her flirt on with the seer Bandon, who is trying to put on a suit of armor in an unco way. Druid Allanon rocks up and points out the obvious: Bandon sucks in battle.  

Apparently the elves have an issue with sleeves.

Allanon asks Bandon to contact Amberle through the cray-cray tree, but encourages Bandon to practice first. Cue a whole Yoda-Luke-getting-the-ship-out-of-the-swamp vibe. 

The rovers, of course, still suck. Eretria’s faux-dad Cephelo grants the girl her freedom, but things aren't looking good for the rest of the crew. Cephelo takes the stones from Wil and slashes Crispin's leg so predators will show up for an all-you-can-eat elf buffet.

Over on Jerry Springer: Elf Edition, the two princes get in a fight over what to do about the demon attacks. Poor Elena, sorry, Commander Tilton, is stuck in the middle. Her OTP Prince Ander thinks having Slanter the gnome in the dungeon act as a guide is the answer, but her current bf Prince Arion isn't big on their brother's killer (kinda) getting parole.

Lately one of these two is always tied up when they're together.
(No, that's not what I meant.)

Amberle tries to negotiate with Eretria, offering her 20x whatever Cephelo did, but while Eretria considers the deal Cephelo rocks up and pays the girl, inspiring her to leave before he changes his mind. While she's riding away, he gets his creep on and mentions his plans to sexually assault Amberle, which def gets under Eretria's skin. 

Later he drags the Princess into the tent. Thankfully before he can rape her Eretria rocks up and boots him in the head. She also took out the rest of the rovers with drugged drinks. #props 

Rover, Party Time!

The girls take Cephelo with them as a hostage. Also props to Princess Amberle for not stabbing the guy a few times just for the hell of it.

Meanwhile Wil is practicing his terrible medical knowhow—clearly this is why he wanted to study with a healer—by using a piece of wood on fire to close Crispin's leg wound. Note: while surrounded by people with knives and swords. Heated metal is the wiser choice to stop infection over a branch that has dirt and germs and is basically an organic substance. #DystopianSurvival101

Eretria saves the elves from the wolves—but not before we lose a red shirt. I feel these scenes are designed to make us like Eretria more, and while she's less jarring, it doesn't quite gel. Something to do with the spacing in the actress' line delivery, maybe? She's somehow out of sync with the rest of the cast, like there are pauses and the flow is often lost when she delivers her dialogue. Not sure if that's editing, directing, or the actress's own style, but she's out of sync in most scenes.

#keepinitclean

While Wil is washing in the river, Eretria strolls up and gives Wil his stones back (no comment). She also tries to flirt, complimenting him on his skillz in the sack, but he’s like UR PSYCHO AF. 

Amberle stops Crispin from beating Cephelo and finally takes charge of the mission. You go girl. I like super-tough Amberle. Our happy crew continues on until UH OH – the area ahead is poisoned by clouds of pretty candy cane colored gas, demo-d by an awful redshirt slaughter that includes foaming at the mouth. #sherbertdeathscene

Amberle finally remembers who is in charge.
AND THAT WOULD BE AMBERLE. 

Cut to Prince Party visiting Slanter in his prison cell. Not surprisingly, the gnome who has been in prison for QUITE SOME TIME isn't into the idea of community service. 

Back to the Jedi padawan, sorry, seer Bandon. His vision whisks him to the demon realm, where he finds a dead Amberle. (Is it contractual that every actor on the show gets a chance to audition for a corpse role in CSI before the end of the season? #reeltime) Upside of the vision thing, Bandon realizes he is pretty powerful. Downside, he gets trapped (mentally) by the evil druid in Demon Land. 

Yeahhhhhh this can't be good.

Now after dark in the forest, our elves and their prisoner are on the move again. Wil loses his temper with the elf/rover baiting/fighting and points out when the demons show up it’s not gonna be rovers vs elves, just us vs them. Kinda like reminding Sanders and Clinton fans about Republicans.

Reaching the fort, our crew is set to do a happy dance when an enormous monster throws a few elven heads their way (yuck) before attacking. Amberle releases Cephelo, who convinces Wil to use the stones to defend them. Wil gets performance anxiety and can’t do magic, so they bolt.

Guys, I just wanna be friends. I picked you
that bunch of heads and everything. #elvesandhumanssuck

Cephelo, a prior contestant on Survivor, devises a plan that sees the demon chase him and Wil into the poisoned area. Then Cephelo throws an EXTREMELY modern looking lighter into the gases and the creature goes kaboom.

Outside the elf palace, Prince Ander is busting out with his troll prisoner slash guide Slander (ha, pun!), when Tilton and uptight Prince Arion rock up. Luckily they’re into the plan now, and Commander Tilton is going to tag along. Prince Arion and his lady friend Tilton, who used to be his brother's lady friend, start frenching and boy is this uncomfortable. 

Shoutout to the writers: Love that this scene takes place pretty much where the whole mess started all those years ago. Nice touch.

The gnomes remind me of creatures from an
eighties kid's film but I can't remember which one.

Prince Arion goes back to see the elf king Eventine and shit gets weird 'cause BOOM it’s actually the shapeshifter, and Grandpa gets sliced and diced. (I told him he was too old to hang around this series safely! Great CSI audition though.) 

Now the shapeshifter is posing as the king, and wow is everyone screwed next week or what?

TTFN x