Safehold, episode 9 recap

Back on the road to Safehold, our trio decides using a tunnel beneath a river that hasn’t had any maintenance since the Apocalypse is a great idea. Quick question: Did they eat any mushrooms on their journey through the forest?

At druid Allanon’s request, Padawan Bandon is trying to spy on the Big Baddie using supernatural Google map. Things get tetchy. #trustissues The older mentor/rebellious youth dynamic is strong with this one...

Amberle, Wil, and Eretria are now in the tunnels, continuing on their path of terrible decision making. At this point Amberle thinks splitting up is a good idea. It’s like watching a post-Apocalyptic Blair Witch Project.

Back at Camp Elf, a council member throws a hissy fit over the appointment of the new king who, let’s face it, was livin' large/partying hard Entourage-style a few weeks ago. 

In the tunnels Amberle is busy discovering a lair of sleeping gnomes ALONE while Wil apologizes to Eretria who gets deep about her boyfriend of 5 minutes at the human settlement, and her faux father betraying her numerous times before saving her, um, once. This bonding scene feels weirdly forced.

Amberle reappears and shows them the writing on the wall—literally. It’s Eretria’s tattoo!

When you find out that one-off design is a total rip-off.

The three of them shimmy along an overhead pipe to bypass sleeping gnomes. Wil drops his stones and I think it’s meant to be tense but hello, this is Wil, the resident hottie. No CSI audition reel death scene here.

New Elf king Ander decides to send Commander Tilton off to win over the gnomes. Political talk, but thankfully just when I’m getting bored Diana agrees to the mission. (Yes, he calls his ex by her first name, awww.)

Having crossed the river, our intrepid trio climbs a reall-y long ladder that should take them to Safehold. Eretria says, “this is it,” in case anyone was wondering.

The elves are training for war and our OTP that never got enough screen time, Bandon and Catania, are watching. King Ander gives an inspiring speech. Sidenote: Is it me or is Bandon super-buff for a guy who mostly spent his time chained up or unconscious?

Ander chooses Bandon to demo-fight, but the poor guy has flashes of the evil demon dude and nearly kills the king. Druid Allanon stops him, and convinces the king to ignore the assassination attempt, using the Supernatural Possession defense.

In the tunnels, Eretria’s eyes glow and she has a vision. We’re reminded she’s the vessel, and her blood is the key. Amberle is all NO WAY I totes had the same vision. *visionbuddies  

Amberle wants to know how plot holes are magically getting fixed (pun intended) but Eretria is clueless about that too.

Her tattoo spreads and soon she looks like she got inked with a subway map. Following the directions, they see a light show, and am I the only one who thought underground rave?

Flashback to XOXO when they try to break
into the music festival through the sewers.

On the elf front, after her boyfriend Bandon’s faux pas of nearly assassinating royalty while possessed, Catania thinks it’s a good idea to be alone with him. He admits the Dagda Mor is messing with his head, and she encourages him to fight, then jumps his bones. They make out till he gets a bit Edward Cullen. When the demon takes over, the scene turns evil. Luckily she manages to escape.

Gettin' busy with a Terminator?
It's important to have a safe word.

Eretria is having déjà vu about the place they’ve found in the tunnels, a déjà vu we all feel when we see the album cover artwork.

Our trio officially checks in at Safehold, possibly an old church? (There is a stain glass window and a Virgin Mary/Baby Jesus statue.) This place is like those puzzle rooms where you have to figure out what the clue is: am I the only one who thinks ERETRIA’S BLOOD IS THE KEY is a massive giveaway? (Although to be fair expecting a friend to slash herself on a hunch is a hard ask.)

The floor glows, which can’t be good. Before our heroes win the Bloodfire prize, floating supermodels with flashing CGI zombie faces show up. They’re guardians of the Bloodfire, and boy do I want backstory. 

Why are they haunting in avante garde couture eveningwear? Are they mean because they were starving when they died and still have a no-carb hangry thing going on?

The guardians weapon of choice is negative reinforcement; trying to convince the crew they’re not really friends.

Side note: The guardians imply Will isn’t sold on Amberle and is still into Eretria. I find this clumsy scriptwriting, and I think this is also implied when they split up for no reason in the tunnels, mostly just so Wil could speak to/bond with Eretria; it feels really left-of-field and forced. Don't start an OTP and fully sell it to the audience only to backtrack at random. I could be wrong, but yeah, the love triangle was completely resolved, so are we supposed to believe it wasn't? Cause a spirit says so?

One of the apparitions sexually assaults Wil; the second sexual assault this episode.

Random comment: Had no idea the actress playing Eretria is so tiny.

Back at Elf headquarters the Councilor carries out a coup. Love how they ignore Allanon as if he isn’t a threat. THE GUY'S A DRUID FFS. For a race that considers themselves superior, they sure are shortsighted. #arrogancekilledtheelf

Commander Tilton has managed to find the gnomes. A lot of gnomes. #gnomefest She speaks to her old pal Slanter (if imprisoning someone for murder for over a decade counts as bonding) and he makes a few jibes about the elven civil war before agreeing to help.

Was going to say cool to see Commander Tilton do something unrelated to her two Prince love interests—except I guess it technically still is, and her diplomatic skills are terrible.

At Safehold the evil guardians have turned Eretria and Amberle against each other and they’ve gone full Mean Girls. Wil, the one who doesn’t even go here, tries to help: “I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school.”

Eretria gets slashed and the bloodletting storyline kicks in. She hardcore spikes her bleeding hand on a vicious looking garden ornament, setting off, um, magic.

#productrecallASAP

Also on the magic front, Allanon is trying to deal with Bandon, who has boarded the Crazy Train. Turns out our druid is not shipping the sexy seer with cute Catania. Allanon gives Bandon a feelings-are-bad lecture—kinda like Amberle scored from the Ellcrys. 

NOT TRUE BTW: the feels can be empowering. This lot are so down on relationships. #istillshipit 

Bandon throws a tanty and attacks Allanon, but turns out druid beats semi-possessed seer. #goodtoknow

The king is interrupted in the middle of a GQ shoot. No wait, my bad: he’s been taken prisoner and is tied up really sexily (these elves). Buff Ander is rescued by Commander Tilton and Slanter.

The weird Pottery Barn ornament has sucked out Eretria’s blood and is lighting the Bloodfire. Mission accomplished! Except for the supermodel guardians who are totes Bloodfire-blocking.

Wil fights the women with his stones (I should reword that). Amberle runs into the magical fire. Eretria collapses, the freaky flames go out, and Amberle vanishes.

On the elf front, the new Elf leader and the Elf army are working out battle plans when Ander rocks up with Commander Tilton, Allanon, and the gnomes. 

Not awkward AT ALL.

The discussion gets heated, until the elven soldiers switch sides again (military are so fickle). The new plan is to hold out at the tree till the seed arrives. King Ander decides to inspire everyone with, “If we fall, we all fall together” making me want another coup. This guy needs a speechwriter.

Coming down from the Bloodfire buzz, Wil realizes Eretria is dead. Or seems close to dead? I never trust a death in supernatural dramas, so my mourning/obituary is on hold until she’s buried or on a funeral pyre.

The elves and gnomes’ candlelight vigil at the Ellcrys is not fun and there is no concert. They silently wait for Amberle to bring back the seed, thereby saving the world. #nopressure

Sadly, the last leaf falls from the Ellcrys and evil demon Dagda Mor is set free. He gives a rousing speech fuelled by hate and racial intolerance. I’m starting to get flashes of the current Presidential election campaign but let’s not go there.

The resemblance is uncanny.

All that’s left now is the final episode of the season, and the big showdown!